It's Just My Life Story

Leave this place

2010-05-07T21:58:00.001-07:00

and i told myself i read and concentrated enough. maybe i could leave this world. be there and not there. i could mingle with literature and characters who i earnestly yearn for. i want their want to be my want.

" And then I looked up. His want was not my want." - Excerpt from Living Dead Girl

You're really my friend aren't you?

2010-05-07T13:47:00.001-07:00

you're really for sure? you really love me as a friend? you're cool with me hanging out with other people? it seems like you're just finding reasons to hate me. seems like you've had enough of me. i dumped 2 friends for you. and now you treat me like shit. maybe i will, go back to them, wouldnt you like that?

pity

2010-03-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

I pity myself so much. I don't know how to be myself. I don't know how to be original. I don't know, I guess I'm a follower for life. Its like Alison has her ways with words and hilarious, minhthy has funny quotes and funny stories, crystal dances and does artsy stuff and mysterious, alyssa is the ditsy too nice one, what am I ? Like what am I in the Lil' G's? I feel that I don't have a quality that makes me special. I'm too afraid to talk to them about cause they'll just brush it off and say I'm uptight and just stressing out. Like Shirley & duy love Alison much more than me. And crystal, minhthy, alssa too. I'm just the black sheep. I try to be original, but it doesn't really have much to do with my character. I want to be me, I want to be Sarah. Something known for, I am just Sarah, plain and plain. Average, nothing special. I don't do sports, I'm not that funny, I'm not that pretty, I don't dress as nice them. I don't know who I am supposed to be. I seem similar to Alison, but she's the better version. I don't know , I really don't know.

All I just want to be, is my own person. I want to be Sarah Nguyen, the person with the character I am supposed to be. I need some help, and lending hand, someone to believe in me, someone to just reinvent.

Shithead Friends

2010-03-04T07:58:00.000-08:00

Wow, I have real shitty friends. Not from VN, but at school. Damn, they really suck. We have issues, we solve them. And still they still continue to ignore me. I hate being ignored, it just pisses me off more. I should totally put on an I DON'T GIVE A DAMN FUCK attitude. I am utterly and one hundred percent pissed off. They walk me to homeroom, but they exclude me out of their conversation. They tell each other things, but I don't know shit. Its like everything changed. And still here I am about to have class with them, I don't know but feel awkward. I don't know if I should talk to them about it, or just leave it alone and feel left out. Maybe I should just stop logging onto aim, and talking to everyone in person. I made up with my mom and we're getting better.

Why Do I Feel So Empty?

2010-03-03T21:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know exactly why I feel empty. I feel that I'm just being plain annoying. Like I can't even explain it. I have everything I basically want. So why am I still empty? I have 2 main best friends. Alison and Minhthy. I still can't help but feel third wheel around them. But they've been friends way longer than I have. It gives them reason. I still feel the pang of jealousy when Alison calls Minhthy her "bestfriendsinthewholewideworld." How it hurts. I know I shouldnyt be concerned about something stupid like this. But, man. It hurts. The little ache behind my left ribs. The small throbbing feeling I ignore. The deep feeling of regret, regret that I didn't talk to them sooner. That I've spent 7 years seeing them every Saturday. But no, I didn't hang out with them. I thought they were uncool. And I was the shit. I was so wrong. I look at both of them now, I think. Wow, I'm so lame, how did those two become so cool.

To top it off, I asked Minhthy if she wanted to go help out at the performance at Dynasty. And she said she didn't want to, of course I wanted to. But I told her I would only go if everyone else does. She said I was a follower, and that was okay because she was a follower too. That didn't make me happy at all. Just when I thought that I'd finally steered awat free from majority and being different, she made me realize. She made me realize that I am a follower. I no longer have a B+ in originality. I am the same, I do not make my own choices, I follow others. I may dress the same as others, but I thought I tried to put a different twist to it. I guess, I'm not original as it seems. I think I need to try harder.

The only reason I don't do things on my own anymore, is the fact that I've always hated being alone. I've always and utterly hated being the odd one out. I hated being left out, I loathe being so lonely. All in all, maybe I should do a new reinvention of Sarah Nguyen. I will reanimate myself to try and be different from everybody else, in my own special way. Wish me luck my non-existent readers. Wish me luck.

Neglected

2010-03-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

I feel annoying, I feel boring, I feel clingy, I feel horrible. I feel bad, I feel pissed, I feel excited, I feel miserable, I feel snotty, I feel bitchy, I feel lonely, I feel loved, I feel depressed, I feel stressed, I feel anxious, I feel happy, I feel like I want to punch someone. I feel that I'm always second/third best at everything.
Sometimes I feel that I'm too emotional, that I'm too sensitive, it gets annoying. Doesn't it? Selfpity all the time, people just shaking their head thinking, "No, don't be sensitive, don't be emotional." They don't want to deal with a 14 year old girl , still crying about idiotic things. All the stupid words that she say, make an impression. Every word, gets etched into memories of listeners, bypassers, eavesdroppers. What she does, she does not realize. She realizes she does so many wrong things. But she, she cannot stop. Once she's out of her shell, she's not going back. To contain herself again, lose her friends; torture. She'd kick, she'd scream, she'd beg for the new her back, back to the old new ways.

This girl. All she wants is to be acknowledged, have real friends, not to be replaced. She wants loyalty, she was honesty, she wants the truth. She wants to me normal, joke around with her true and real friends. She wants to be able to say stuff that's considered mean to other girls. But to her friends, she has wicked sense of humor. She just wants to be loved what more could you ask for? To be loved.

Sometimes, I wish someone would read this. Sometimes I wish no one would. Let's take a chance.

Coming Back

2009-12-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

It's all coming back, the days of crying, the depression, the misery. I have everything I need, but I want more. The tears streaming down the contours of my face as I type. The words I need to let out. I seek the needs of friends on Christmas Eve morning, for my parents and family don't want to spend this holiday with me. They send me to my room to do homework. School is important they say, but all I wanted was to spend time with my family. I rarely ever want to spend time with them, but the times I do, they push me away. Me and my hopes, down down under. I sit here typing this out, my eyes going blurry, sniffling, listening to songs that make me cry harder. I never want pity. I just wanted to be loved, I don't need pity, I have my own self-pity. Ever word I type out, tears threaten to overflow. I simply do not want to cry, I feel weak, I feel empty. But I can't help it, I'm sad. Doesn't everyone become sad once in a while?

I told my mother, "It's Christmas soon, why are we not doing anything? It's boring, and you're making me do homework. I have another week to do it." She goes off about how people are living on the streets not even having a family. And I know she means well, but I can't help but cry as my selfishness and still still cry, for myself being lonely. She yells at me for being so bratty, but all I wanted was to have family time. Here I go again, another round of tears. My shirt is soaked, the laptop wet. I'm spilling salty tears everywhere, maybe someone will yell at me for spilling my worthless tears everywhere. Movie night was yesterday and the day before that, I tried to get everyone to watch a movie with me. It ended up with me sitting alone for some time watching alone, until Christina comes out and joins me. But still, my parents are in their room watching their own separate movies.

I wanted the comfort of my real friends, but then I think it through, everyone is with their families most likely. Another round of tears, still I hold myself with my arms around me, comfort for myself. Me, Sarah Nguyen, hugging herself because of her belief of lack of love. And here I am, no longer wanting my mother, my father, my sister, my grandma. I want people who actually love me, who want to be with me. I'd honestly spend my whole Christmas in my own room, alone. Sure some people would be just trying to get on everyone's good side, and pretend nothing happened. But I've done that too many times. I learned from someone, that you should get over it, and stop saying that life sucks. I try not to say that my life sucks, but I doesn't everyone think they're life sucks, at least once? A thought, a consideration, a memory. So I say screw it; honestly, that's your point of view. Mine is different, as of everyone. I'm sorry, if you read this, but still. I'm not feeling the same.
If you love me, then stay with me, talk to me, and everything. If you're faking to be my friend, leave me. I would be better off without pity friends.

It's time to do homework on Christmas Eve, solemnly. I guess I needed to rant about my "oh so terrible" life. Not really, it just pretty much sucks. Difference between terrible & " I hate life" and the difference between suckish-ness. I believe that the suckishness will go away. Just a temporary lapse, in a day, a month, a year, whenever.

A New Beginning.

2009-11-25T12:25:00.000-08:00

Fragile is the heart, fragile is the mind, delicate & extravagant; the soul. I believe myself to be rebirthed. A new person, I am fresh I am new, I am quaint and eloquent. "she's fresh to death." Haha. I feel as I have changed, as of rather than I was drowning, underwater, drowning. So hard to breathe, I need air, I need life. I was drowning, the drama, the pressure, the depression, the loneliness, the weakness; being alone. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to break free, first step, take the chance. I took the risky chance, it started with doubt and crying, even though I knew that'd be his reaction. I knew I was a slut for liking him. But I gathered up my courage and told him, that I liked him. Even with all the complications, that stressed us out; 4 days later, during which we were still talking, he told me he felt the same. It was a horrible risk , what about the backfire that would happen if he didn't say he did too? The embarrassment, everyone bothering me, "sarah, you're not good enough." , the awkwardness. In the end it worked out, my friends forgave for the stupid things I pulled. The world is at peace, I am at ease.

In the span of 2 weeks, I am rebirthed. "I have the oxygen, I breathe it in." I'm so happy, has anyone noticed? I actually feel loved, these 2 weeks have been life changing. Wintergirls, a book I was reading, gave me another view of self confidence. I feel better with myself, I don't tell myself that I'm ugly anymore. I tell myself," you're sarah , and that's how you're supposed to look, not like anyone else, but you." He makes me so happy, I feel like those teenagers in those movies and novels. Always on the phone, on the computer IMing, giggling, & all that jazz in person. I've always wanted to be like and feel like that, it's a wish come true.

My friends love me, Lil' G's, are so awesome, I love them. Long Beach , was soooo fun. Anh Tung doesn't hate us as much anymore ! He called us,"cheese." & that's a good thing. The bus trip was fun, so much bonding. The best pit stop ever. MINHTHY HA, ahah. I love her. I'm so happy I got closer to her, I feel like we got from hot to hotter in our relationship. NO HOMO. Today's the Thanksgiving VLYT dinner, I'm stoked. Haha, more time with us 5. My grades are going up, I'm loved, my parents are finally getting me a new laptop w/WC since the other broke, my hair is curled - i haven't curled my hair since 2nd grade, 2nd time - , and I feel pretty, my friends are awesome, there's no drama, I have someone who loves me more than a bestfriend, his parents know about me, haha. I'm not depressed, and I'm not lonely, & I'm not miserable inside . I believe my life has taken a turn for the better.

Everything Is Alright, everything is wonderful. I can grasp the intangible love. I can see the love. I just need to take it as mine, and I'm rising towards the surface, floating slowly to meet air, I force the water out of my lungs, the water splashes as I take inhale the oxygen. I can breathe. I'm no longer drowning.

Letdown

2009-11-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

He says I'm a letdown. He says all girls are the same, he says they can never have one, they want more, they want new toys. He says that's what they all say. He said I was stringing him along. I said that's stereotyping, but from my experiences, he's right; in my book anyways. I feel like a slut, I feel scandalous. I look as horrible as I feel inside. I don't know what love is. I don't know what to do. I can't believe I did this again. I can't believe this happened, even if I knew this would happen from the start. I said I'd try to make it work, it wouldn't be a fling. Guess what? 12 days, that's how long. That's how long we lasted, but I don't regret anything. I'll remember his face, remember his love, all of his words.

I have a whole lot of things to say, but I'll do this again later. I have a buttload of homework. Another time, blogspot.

Finally

2009-10-28T15:24:00.001-07:00

I feel at ease, I feel happy. Everything is alright, everything is wonderful. I knew it, I told myself; I said that bad things always have good fortune after. & I didn't believe my words, but now, I do. It's exciting, I haven't been this happy since I met Alison, Minh Thy, Crystal, Alyssa, in Van Nghe. I have a significant other that makes me happy. Makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me blush. My friends can do that, of course they can. But it's so different; every text, every call, every IM; it makes me jump in excitement, giggle, and my heart skip a beat. I know I'm incredibly cheesy, but I can't help the way I feel. I know it's hard for both of us, but I promised that we'd try hard to make it work. I plan on keeping this promise, even though I have never kept a promise in my life. So I plan on making a change, I don't care what people say. I'm not going to give up, cause I'm no quitter. I wanna move out of my comfort zone, and experience being uncomfortable.

My mind goes blank when he talks to me, my brain turns to mush, I can't think of clever things to say. I always have something to say, but everything I think of sounds stupid. I haven't felt this way in forever. I've been miserable these years, I was starting to get better; happier. And now that he's here, my progress has grown even more. People noticed that I'm so giddy since Saturday, and I noticed it too. I talk even more now. I hope you don't get bored of me, seeing you're older. You know? Lack of common interests, haha. I'm still listening to your music. :)

I'm so happy right now, I don't ever want to stop being this happy.
"You're exactly my brand of heroine." - Twilight
( Even though I said Twilight can suck my d*ck, I couldn't resist )

Lateeeee, Blogspot .

Emotional Breakdown

2009-10-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had 3 emotional breakdowns. There isn't a real reason why. I just felt like the world was coming down on me. There was no holding back the tears, the tears wouldn't stop flowing down my cheeks no matter how hard I tried. And then I realized people who love you are always close to you, when they whisper rather than finding out for yourself. I also realized, people care. It may seem that someone would not care about you by their actions, like when they're worried about you. Especially when I hate it when people give me pity, they wanted to not show it, but they freaked when I neared them unexpectedly. It took me a day to figure this out. People care, people actually care for me. I don't feel so alone, I don't. But my parents make me feel worse. I don't do anything to please them, everything I do, everything I say, it's like I shouldn't talk to them anymore. It's like I'm wasting my breath, just trying to please them in vain. Two bruises on my legs, does it show love or does it show hate? I don't understand.

Something else has plagued me for 2 years. Take a risk , make a change ? I give people advice about taking risks, yet I still can't tell myself to make a risk. I don't know if I should. All these years of lying to everyone who asks: do you still like him? " Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming." - The Maine
I want to take the risk, but I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of everyone bothering me, everyone telling me I'm not good enough. What are the chances he still likes me? He thinks of me as a friend now, but I want to be more. Too scared, off the " cold " exterior I put up. A total wimp when it comes to confessions, I'd do dares. I wouldn't care. Right now, I feel weak, that I can't bring myself to say so. Admit it, it's going to be my last chance this year. It's now or never. I might end up regretting the decision. I want you back, I want him back. My friends relationship, reminds me of him, all the memories. All I do in science, a class with him, is reminiscence about me and him. I can't help it. As much as I want them to go away, I can't make it go. Every song, every story I read reminds me of him, I'm in denial.
Come back .

The Unevitable

2009-10-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

It feels good, to know that someone cares. That some people care. I don't feel so alone anymore. I cried reading everyone's comments from the post before this. I cried in happiness, " Someone cares." Two days ago something terrible happened to me, I won't say it out loud, but I'm scared. My life is controlled, no freedom , no hope. What's worse, is that I'm failing science; it's so hard. I don't understand it. And at the age of 13, I feel lonely without a significant other. I don't mean to be jealous but all my friends have one. I am alone. No one to hold, no one to hug, you know?
I feel it's just because I'm not good enough for anyone, no one. I know I'm too young but whatever, I can't help it. The want, the need for someone. The loneliness eats me.

I feel like crying. I'm not pretty, I'm not cool enough, I don't have nice anything. Not hair, not grades, not personality. I know that Blah blah blah , teenagers look down on themselves. Whatever, I'll get past this stage soon. I'm getting mixed feelings about everyone, no whole feelings. I feel like sleeping away the world. Sleep and never wake up, I don't want to face life. Just hide under my duvet and drift away to unconsciousness. But I know that I have to get through life, things aren't always easy.

I couldn't get my thoughts into words. I'll leave it here, see you .

Plain and Simple

2009-09-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

One of my terrors, being not good at anything. Simple, plain, those are the words you would describe me as. Some people say that I’m funny, terribly weird, in the good way. I feel that no one cares about you, only for themselves. I learn this the hard way. Say something about how you’re sad, no one cares, they move away to look for something entertaining instead of a sad girl, wallowing in her self pity. I envy you. I envy everyone that’s not me. I learn that I will never be happy if I always compare myself to others, but I can’t help it. I envy “A” the most, everyone comes to her without her coming to anyone. Friends come to her, guys come to her. I, Sarah Nguyen, am just a plain girl, which no one frankly cares about. I have no special role in life. My family hates me, my friends would be better off with someone more outgoing.

I feel unwanted, with no purpose in life. I’m pretty sure no one reads my blogs, because I’m nothing special, nothing. Plain. It echoes in my mind all the time. I’ll look in the mirror every day, I don’t feel pretty; no self-esteem at all, even as I pretend to be. I have to admit, I’ve been thinking about suicide since I was in 3^rd grade, telling myself the world will be better without me. No one would remember me, no one would care. And I’d imagine everyone wearing black at my funeral, as they lower my casket into the earth. Cynical, even when I was younger several years back. I tell myself I’m not a depressed teen, I’m not. But I know that I’m lying, I’ve been emotionally depressed for years now. No one believes so, everyone thinks it’s for attention. Being unwanted, forgotten, hated, it brings me into sobs. I try to contain emotions in, that never works. Being unwanted by my mother, father, sister; they told me I was adopted when I was little. I laugh cruelly when I think about how true that might be. Reading books and listening to my music is my escape. I hope someone understands me, someone can relate. It’s very unlikely, unlikely that anyone in their perfect little life would be dealing with depression on their own. But I could never know, someone could be like me; acting normal when I feel like sobbing, or taking refuge in a corner alone. Yes, I also admit I had self-inflicted pain to myself, masochistic. I’ve told myself to stop cutting myself, I can’t stop tracing the faint white scars on my arm. I had to admit the tingly feeling of pain, it felt normal.

And since I know no one would read this, I publicity admit that I have liked the same guy from 2 years ago, never stopped, not now anyways. I still have the emails we sent to each other all the time. "---- I don't care how you look like, I like you just the way you are.----" He always said the right things at exactly the right time. I hate how you act like I don't exist, I feel guilty every time I see him. Even though, we are "just friends" I can't help but like him. It's not like I can control it, I always try to push it out of my mind. My dreams, imagination; how it would be if we were still together. I feel like punching myself for doing something stupid as dumping him for some ugly guy who didn't like me. Idiotic, the biggest mistake of my middle school life. I "SA-WOON" when we make eye contact. I know that even if you were a huge jerk, I wouldn't care. I'd still like you, even if he looks like horrible. One of my wishes, "together just for this year." Then we'd move on, being who I am, I know this would never happen in my wildest dreams. Never, I repeat.

Now I hope, that no one ever EVER EVER reads this. Bye Blogspot.

Summer

2009-08-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

Summer is going to be over soon , I don't want summer to end. I'd rather be at home doing boring things and going out on weekends than go to school. But some days at school , it'll make going to school worthwhile. Once in a while I'll have a good day, but usually it's boring. At home, I have my music, my choice in food, my freedom, and endless amount of time. I actually have something to look forward to at the end of this week. Friday is Van's Sweet 16. of course, it's a get together sort of thing. I'll feel kind of out of place there. The only 13 year old there, hanging out with a bunch of 16 year olds. Can I say; Awkward? But whatever I guess I have no way out of it really. Hopefully there's going to be that one guy who's coming. I can dress to impress. And then there's Boomers down in Livermore. I'm going with my beloved dance group, finally somewhere for fun. I didn't tell my mom it's in Livermore, cause I'm a rebel, she thinks its around Palo Alto or Mountain View or something like that. But back to the subject.

Do I really want to go to school? There is only a minuscule amount of things that are convincing me to be happy for school. Nothing truly exciting. The only thing I'm excited for is when graduation comes, I can't wait to start over in high school. Hopefully I'll have Alison go to Independence, which is highly unlikely. But it doesn't hurt to hope for something you want. I only have 2 wishes this year. Both I can't decide between. And both I'd call a miracle if it happens. I'd sing at the top of my lungs, which I can't sing for life, and believe in miracles once more.

But yeah , I hope for this school year to just be better than 7th grade, even though seventh was a good year, it went by fast, just how I want it. I'm still hoping that my mother lets me go to dance practice again, I'd be crushed if I couldn't go. Someone else would replace me, and everyone would forget about me, wouldn't they? I don't make a statement, I don't do anything memorable. Not that good of a dancer, but a little bit better as a drummer I guess. But still , I hope people don't forget me. So to anyone reading this; Don't forget me when you move on.

This Hell I Call Life

2009-07-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Won't someone save me, someone be my savior. I don't want to be here. I want to be able to have my damned freedom, to do what I want. I want to go to Van Nghe practice, and not study my ass off all the time. I want to be to have a life, I want to be with my buddies at practice. I want to talk to Alison and have fun with the Lil' G's , everyone. It's gonna suck when I don't have anything to do on Sundays . Why can't I go to practice, while balancing my studies, I have a freaking 3.83 -4.0 GPA average ! Isn't that enough for my mom ? It's only 8th grade, I can freaking handle it. It's not like I'm in highschool. Doesn't she realize I'm always happy after coming back from Van Nghe ? It's the only place where I love being at, my friends and all . It's happy, and fun , and I can do something for God, and have fun . All I want is to have like everyone else. And my hair , I don't like it . I just want a haircut, so I look nice . But she thinks I'm doing it for guys .

I'm going to slip into depression again . Van Nghe changed me, I'm no longer sad, miserable, depressed . Hasn't anyone noticed ? I'm much happier . I'm soon going to hate life, I just want my friends at practice. I don't want to go to 8th grade, I just want to go to highschool already. I'm tired of doing the same things everyday . I love drama, I love exciting things. I want to go to private school with Alison , but I can't. I wish she could go to my school . Everything messed up , this year was my favorite. Everything and everyone was going alright . Now , it's a mess. I can't go to practice, school is just school . Boring . The only thing I ask of my mother, is to let me resume practice on a regular basis. It's making me miserable just that I can't go . It's my life, I don't care what you think .

I swear one day , I'm gonna rebel from you. I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I please. I'll get a tattoo down my , pierce my belly button , and have multiple piercings on my ears. See how you like me now. just wait . I won't ever talk to you . Then maybe you'll realize that you should of let me on a looser leash. You can't control my life forever , you can't expect me to live my sister's life. I don't wanna be like anyone else. I wanna be Sarah Nguyen. I am who I am .

I just wanna be happy, and live my happily ever after. I just want to live my life the way I want to . NO interferences , I want to keep in contact with all Van Nghe. I know this might seem weird coming from a 13 year old, but I like to plan things. This is how I, SARAH NGUYEN, will live my life the way I fucken want it .

I haven't posted in forever , but here it is now. I might rant again . See you .

Life

2009-06-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Life has been okay, it wasn't the best. But now school is almost over, everyone has plans over summer. And I'm basically stuck at home. But I'm most likely going to sneak out and go out somewhere, either with my friends or with cousins. Haha, today is a Thursday, tomorrow being obviously Friday, and I had just made plans to go to Melissa's house, instead of spending the day at home watching more korean dramas, that she introduced me to watch.

Love's been a mess, the guy I like, has taken a liking to someone else, and pretty popular too. Jealous as I am, I try to look away from that area of misery and depression. But at this point, whatever, I couldn't care less. I'm waiting for the sun to peek out from behind the gloomy clouds, it's June. I should be sweating like crazy, but I'm not. At least this way, my bad tan will fade away. It's back to wearing sweatshirts and jackets/cardigans in the summer time, while everyone's wearing t-shirts and tanktops. I can't wait for the summer heat, being in my cold room.

KK, gotta go, see you later.

Rant!

2009-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I decided to talk as the "real me," or the girl that's cussing 24/7, who has anger issues, practically and typically hates life as it goes. That's me, because the other me typing all the so called "deep posts" is just when I'm feeling emotional about a conflict in my mind. So, let's begin with today's bitching.

I had woken up early, waited for the bathroom to be free, from the old hag always hacking up something repulsive. Dress and wore my new glasses. I was so happy, I had everything I really ever wanted in life. School was okay, it sucked knowing that my parents and sluttish FOB aunts were going to the beach and barbecuing without me, while I'm basically dying in boredom at school. Even worse, my neighbor who drives me to and from school, blasted music. It wasn't the good music either, embarrassing at the least. It was Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. I was at Independence, with high schoolers surrounding me, so I slunk down into the seat, hoping no one would see me. I can't believe my fucking neighbors have no shame, with their " I don't give a fuck about what you think " attitude. It hella annoys the shit out of me. Ugh, Then my cousins picked me up to go the carnival, at Independence, did basically nothing that amuzed me, at all. I had no food, because I think my cousins didn't want to eat, apparently not thinking about only themselves. Came home bored, because my cousins and sister were just talking to an old teacher, BORING. I was trying so hard to act alive, and interested. Twinkies, these days. When I got to my house, I realize it's 5 pm, and no one was home. Who the hell spends 5 hours at the beach ? I call my mom, and she tries to fucking convince me that she homes, while I'm in her room, seeing no evidence of life besides me and my sister. NO one, I walk to the garage open the door, and see my mom smiling after she pissed me off. She's holding an In-n-Out drink, which pissed me off. She comes home with no food for me, and none of the damned barbeque she promised me. Then she bitches at me for asking where's the food. God, freaking bipolar bitches. Then my dad got all mad, because he's a afraid she's gonna go crazy , literally. My day was just ruined. And you know what I realize?

I need a new family, everyone basically hates me. Everyone hates me because I hate talking to my aunts, I make fun of everyone, Christina always PMSes, so I bitch when she's bitching, my dad's anal about me talking back to my mom; afraid she's going to be sent to the Psych Ward, or something. My grandma's just fucking annoying bothering me every second of the damn day. My aunts, oh my gosh, don't even get me started. They just fucking annoy the shit out of me the most. Ever since they came, my life has been even more fucked up. They do whatever they want, not caring or considering that people need to go to school and sleep. Fuck them, stupid sluts. They eat all of my food, leaving me no decent food to eat. So I'm pissing everyone off. Never mess with me, when I'm pissed about food. Just give my my goddamn food. I hate my family, I want to be adopted by a twinkie family. White washed, please!

Well , I'm done ranting for now. I'll go back to my usual posts when I post a new one. LAATE !

Finding My Place

2009-04-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

Here's the link to the video by Breaking Benjamin, if you would like to watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTafQnXY5vY

The diary of Jane, the song, the diary, and the meaning. In the song, he's talking finding his place in the diary of Jane. The person who he loves. Does he fit, does he have a place in the diary? In the end he burns pages of the diary at a time, slowly burning away the love. He's waiting for the a clue in the diary to see if she loves him, desperately.

I wonder to myself if I will ever find my place, a place somewhere in life. I said I'd take life as it goes, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do something, or just let the world unravel its creations. Right now, if I'd put myself in the position of the singer, would I have been sad knowing that she would/wouldn't have loved me. Do I have have a place in life as a friend, enemy, lover, or soul mate? That rose between the book, I bet it represents the love for her. But in the end he walks away, is he giving up, considered that she died?

Desperate as I can be, I am also in the same position. Do I have a place anywhere in the diary of someone's life? Will I remain a friend to that someone forever? Or rather, I am a hater, or a lover. I hope to find the diary of that someone, open it up, to see if I have a place in the diary. Is there love, or just pure hatred. Another path to walk, another choice to choose, and another way I can walk towards. A plan for the future, for I am ready to walk through Love Rd, defying the signs. The only thing left is that someone, for if there is no love, where would Love Rd. be? I realized that the only way to find Love Road, is to love and to be loved. I hope there will be more pathways after the main road, for I do not want one choice. I want the option of having choices, to follow through, and there would lie, finally; eternal happiness, and love.

"I still try to find my place, in the diary of Jane."

Which Road to Choose

2009-04-25T10:22:00.001-07:00

The way to choose, the way to walk, where to, and where is my destination? If love is one way, should I go? Should I defy the sign and just walk on to Love Rd.? Is it worth taking the pathway or journey to experience it? I'm just asking questions, wanting the answers, but not knowing where to ask, or rather who to ask. Besides, can't Love Rd, have two ways? I don't like having only one way, but I like knowing the best way to go, what lies there, and how will it turns out in the end.

I always wondered, with my 13 year old imagination, if someone could love 2 people at the same time? Can someone take the path to Love Rd, but have two ways? Or is someone destined to find their one and only love? It confuses me so, but I still cannot find the answer. I think that's my life goal. If only I could see it in action, and then I can try to experience it too. I want to actually find it a Love Rd, and walk through it, without any worries, to experience love, once more. People say that you'll find your soul-mate, the puzzle piece of yourself. But what if there's two people who love you? Who's the person that fits me, the person made for only me? And how will I know? My life goal: to figure out those questions, and to walk through Love Rd, and experience it.

I'll write more soon, Blogspot, and fellow readers. Sorry I haven't been updating, I was having family problems.

Obsession

2009-04-12T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling obsessive all week. I feel for the need to have every- thing my way. It's like that saying "my way or the highway." Exactly, so yesterday I went shopping at San Fran; Union Square, baby! The Forever 21 & Macy's was humongous, and I was pissed that morning when I found out that my sister had gotten sandals, and went shopping when I was at school. Which had pissed me off, and my uncle pissed me off even more. I ended up kicking him really hard in the shin, and I was pissed, angry, and eventually became sad/depressed. Even though, it's really childish the way people would think of it. But it's not, I have more reasons behind it, it's just not something I'd like to share to the internet world, or cyberspace as people would call it. Anyway, I was getting happy again because I looked forward to San Fran; since I heard that I was going. By the way, I haven't been to SF since I was like 11. So we went into Macy's which I don't remember ever stepping foot into the store there before, and found myself and nice pair of jeans. I want to tell you readers that it was black, and I was going to get it personally tailored, (: That made my day basically, but there's was more to my day. After that, we headed down the street and made a right, to find a Forever 21. Once we got in, we scoured every rack to see if something found suit any of our tastes. And just my luck, I found a pair of hot pink studded sandals, in a basket with dull colors.

When I saw that pair of sandals, I thought to myself. The only bright colored thing in a pile of dullness. It speaks to me; to be original, somehow and somewhat. I told myself that I needed to try and attempt to be original in my own way. The sandal was in a pile of sandals too, like me being a human, and everyone else being a human. It's just that, that one had caught me eyes. It speaks to me, drawing me closer to it. I ended buying it, because it was coincidentally my size, 6. That made my day even though, there wasn't any of my size in gray, so I could match easier with clothes. But I'll take life as it goes.

So, that day and past week, I felt obsessive over inanimate objects. Like I was pissed when my aunts or sister got something , and I didn't. Typing this now, I realize that I am spoiled. But whatever, I'll live my life, the way I want it. Teehee! And just half and hour ago, I was pissed over a gold dolphin styled watch and matching earrings. My mom had known I wanted that set, and she goes and gives it to my FOB aunt. And pays for her shopping spree , yesterday, which my aunt could have paid for herself, but no. She wants my mom to pay for her clothes, and support a 7 people family, with a low salary, because of the low economy. They just want the money, so they can go and gamble and be broke the rest of their lives. Now, that I'm almost done typing, I realize once again, that I am very random, switching subjects when something comes to my mind. But that's how Sarah Nguyen works.

I hope I have a good week, and I hope I can go to VYC. My mom doesn't want me and Christina to go, at all. But she's talked and ranted about it. There's a chance that we might get to go. It's like a 60% chance, depending on her mood.

Well, I have to go waste my life being bored right now, I'll write more soon, Blogspot, and fellow followers.
*Don't you just love the turtle eating strawberry photo? (:

Exhaustion

2009-04-09T15:16:00.001-07:00

I'm tired, I'm tired from being at school six hours a day. I'm tired of seeing his face all the time. I'm tired of the world, it's basically so boring. I realize that when I'm say that "I'm tired," I'm just saying that I'm tired of this world. I'll sigh from time to time, just waiting for something to happen and amuse me. Or rather, make me laugh. I'm always doing the same thing, at the moment I want change. Something new, exciting, or a new change in history. All I want is a exciting, thrilling life. Maybe a romance, a fun day at school, Sunday practice, something, just something. Today was weird, and sad. The Spartan Mile was scheduled for today, and it was raining so no one wanted to run. Nothing was "thrilling" at all, maybe someone new I actually talked today, and acknowledged my existence again. I felt weird today because that one dude, who I used to hate bugged me in my mind. I always thought to myself, I hate him, I hate him, and I really I hate purple. And today I wanted change and so, I decided to get over it and start over. And so I did, and it felt weird, just being around my thoughts, I had butterflies in my stomach, which I hate. Rain makes people so emotional, I'm staring outside the window, and I see darkness. I always wondered to myself, if the rain was God's tears. I asked my mom, and she always said "nonsense."

Anyways change, I want change in my life. Anything, an arranged marriage when I'm older, or a new dog, a new brother, or rather moving away to another state, school, and making new friends. Anything right now. I kind of want to move away from this place, I've been living in this town or city, my whole life. I may be comfortable, but I want to get our of my comfort zone. Venture out into the unfriendly, and relive my so far thirteen year old life. I may dream big, but one day, I know it, I'll have the greatest change, with my one wish. I promised myself, and wish for the day that I say sorry to him, in person, for I have not said a word to him in exactly one year, this month. Before we depart to different high schools, that is my last wish, chance, and task. After that, off to another place, I hope, for change, and a new life, just me starting over, and hopefully have a new love. It'll be a big stepping stone for me, at least in my point of view. And for others, they'll look at me and think that change is coming.

I'll write soon, Blogspot, soon enough. I was just aching to write out and express my inner thoughts. LAATE.

Frustration/Anger

2009-04-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

Here I am laying on the bed with the laptop, frustrated that I accidentally deleted the post I was about to publish. Pissed off, and cussing into the air, "I *beep hate my life," even though I really don't. My body temperature just rose up, my face feeling flushed. I am so pissed because I put all of my feelings, frustrations, emotion, and worries on the post, and BAM, it gets deleted. I am so pissed right now, that I don't even feel like writing the post from scratch, AGAIN.

Well next time, Blogspot, and fellow readers. I'll write again soon. I just had to really release my anger and frustration!
LAATE!

Understanding

2009-04-02T15:43:00.000-07:00

How does it feel to be judged? It feels awful, and I can never understand why people label each other. Apparently, I am a clone, because I dress like everyone else. How am I supposed to dress? Like an outcast, emo, goth, gangly, preppy, skimpy skirts? I know that I sometimes look like other people from the back, but that doesn't mean I'm not original. I think it's the personality that counts, I may dress like everyone else but I am different in the inside. Isn't everyone?

"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."

It means that because everyone never shows a side of themselves, the outside of them, it might just be like a shell. You can never know what's in the inside. And, that's the thing in everyone that actually counts. It's not what I wear, it's me. And besides I like the way I dress, it's not particularly what everyone else it wearing. I can twist my outfit into something a little more original. I don't need to care what others think about my clothes anymore. I just need to keep my head straight, chin up, and walk like I don't care.

*Today was disastrous, class was all good, but it was after school.
I wait with my friends for my ride, and I see the car coming. I start walking towards the car, and then I see Dina, my neighbor, who's dad or brother drives me home. I am about 30 feet away from the car, and she gets into the car. I see her looking at me, and talks to her brother or dad and the cars turns and exits the parking lot. Leaving a confused Sarah behind. At first I thought it was a late April Fools joke on me, but it wasn't. Confusion turned into frustration, embarrassment, shock, and anger. I was frustrated because I didn't have a ride home, and if I called my mom, it would take 15-20 minutes. I felt embarrassment because when the car left, I realized people were around me, and watched my ride ditch me, and leaving me walking to the middle of the parking lot to nowhere. I was shocked because this had never happened in my life before. I was angry because they didn't even bother to call me and say that I had to get my own ride. Unbelievably pissed, I waited 15 minutes for my mom to pick me up. That was the highlight of my day. NOT!

I just really wanted to let you readers and Blogspot know about today, and my concealed feelings/worries. I'll write more soon, Blogspot.

Liquid Love

2009-04-01T17:02:00.000-07:00

April Fools ! Guess what was my mood depending on today's weather? It was sunny, and not to cold, so I was fairly happy, but tired. When I woke up this morning I thought "Today's just going to be boring, and everything's gonna be all wrong, I have that feeling." Going to school today, with a confusion and worries, wasn't the best thing ever. My head was clogged with unnecessary worries, and some feelings I realized I still had. Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to have that feeling of love again, I couldn't help it. I kept telling myself, "Don't do it, just erase that feeling."

I headed to class, mind clear, and for now focused on schoolwork. I kept my mind off my minor problems and laughed the classes away. I knew that soon I would solve this problem anyways. Then it comes to P.E, fourth period of the day. Prepared for the bowling test, I set my mind for that big "A" on my test. Even though my teacher wouldn't let me fix my test after I turned it in, I was mad, but I knew that I should take life as it goes. I should just deal with it, it would be at least only 2 questions wrong. That was one of my problems I had fixed today. I went to D period with my mind filled with the feeling of wanted a romance again. I knew that I was jealous of my friends who had their own love. I keep telling myself that one day I would find someone, even though I was only in middle school. Back in D period, I was laughing and forgetting all my worries. I made plans to go to Melissa's house for the Nutrition Project for science. And that pretty much made my day. After I write all of this, I realize that I'm just writing about my day, which I really hate. Well, at least it's not in bullets or numbered.

I'll just end this blog as that I have finally made my decision about my unwanted feelings: My feelings are true, and I really can't get rid of it. This is really cheesy, but it's true. All I have to worry about is that if you find out or not.
Night, night Blogspot. I'll write more soon, cause I won't fail you now.

Why Am I Unhappy ?

2009-03-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

I really wonder why I am unhappy. I don't even know a little bit of my feelings. I think I have anything I really could have wanted, cause I am partly a spoiled brat. I'm utterly confused, and feeling weird. The past five days I have been feeling cruddy , for no particular reason. Especially at practice ,my sister was pissing me off . Like crazy , and then it might have been the fact, that I was jealous of my aunts going on an endless shopping spree. My love life's been a mess, school's boring; drama that is just stupid. Nonsense , just that one word , can explain middle school drama. Now in middle schools people start making gangs , and it pisses me off how people think its so cool. Like "Mob or Sahooki." Come on, we live in the suburbs , its the Silicon Valley. Practice wasn't the best yesterday, I was sad, and them, BAM , ice cream , mint chocolate, to be exact. That probably lightened my mood a bit. But the downside, while practicing swords, someone came back , and it wasn't nice or good at all. Cause he needs some serious social lessons, like how to know your place, and really really needs a social meeting lesson, or something. But, either way I'm sad , and the weather has an effect on me. It makes me sad if it's cloudy, when it's sunny I happy, when it's windy I'm tired. Raining or dark clouds makes me feel depressed. I'm aggressive at daytime, and I'm moody at nighttime. It's so weird , and guess how I felt today, depending on the weather ? Tired, and cruddy. My mind and heart is mixed with unidentifiable emotions and thoughts. It's driving me crazy, I hope I can find my inner peace, and be calm. I really just can't wait for summer.
Blogspot, I'll write when I can. I won't fail you now!