Plain and Simple

One of my terrors, being not good at anything. Simple, plain, those are the words you would describe me as. Some people say that I’m funny, terribly weird, in the good way. I feel that no one cares about you, only for themselves. I learn this the hard way. Say something about how you’re sad, no one cares, they move away to look for something entertaining instead of a sad girl, wallowing in her self pity. I envy you. I envy everyone that’s not me. I learn that I will never be happy if I always compare myself to others, but I can’t help it. I envy “A” the most, everyone comes to her without her coming to anyone. Friends come to her, guys come to her. I, Sarah Nguyen, am just a plain girl, which no one frankly cares about. I have no special role in life. My family hates me, my friends would be better off with someone more outgoing.

I feel unwanted, with no purpose in life. I’m pretty sure no one reads my blogs, because I’m nothing special, nothing. Plain. It echoes in my mind all the time. I’ll look in the mirror every day, I don’t feel pretty; no self-esteem at all, even as I pretend to be. I have to admit, I’ve been thinking about suicide since I was in 3^rd grade, telling myself the world will be better without me. No one would remember me, no one would care. And I’d imagine everyone wearing black at my funeral, as they lower my casket into the earth. Cynical, even when I was younger several years back. I tell myself I’m not a depressed teen, I’m not. But I know that I’m lying, I’ve been emotionally depressed for years now. No one believes so, everyone thinks it’s for attention. Being unwanted, forgotten, hated, it brings me into sobs. I try to contain emotions in, that never works. Being unwanted by my mother, father, sister; they told me I was adopted when I was little. I laugh cruelly when I think about how true that might be. Reading books and listening to my music is my escape. I hope someone understands me, someone can relate. It’s very unlikely, unlikely that anyone in their perfect little life would be dealing with depression on their own. But I could never know, someone could be like me; acting normal when I feel like sobbing, or taking refuge in a corner alone. Yes, I also admit I had self-inflicted pain to myself, masochistic. I’ve told myself to stop cutting myself, I can’t stop tracing the faint white scars on my arm. I had to admit the tingly feeling of pain, it felt normal.

And since I know no one would read this, I publicity admit that I have liked the same guy from 2 years ago, never stopped, not now anyways. I still have the emails we sent to each other all the time. "---- I don't care how you look like, I like you just the way you are.----" He always said the right things at exactly the right time. I hate how you act like I don't exist, I feel guilty every time I see him. Even though, we are "just friends" I can't help but like him. It's not like I can control it, I always try to push it out of my mind. My dreams, imagination; how it would be if we were still together. I feel like punching myself for doing something stupid as dumping him for some ugly guy who didn't like me. Idiotic, the biggest mistake of my middle school life. I "SA-WOON" when we make eye contact. I know that even if you were a huge jerk, I wouldn't care. I'd still like you, even if he looks like horrible. One of my wishes, "together just for this year." Then we'd move on, being who I am, I know this would never happen in my wildest dreams. Never, I repeat.

Now I hope, that no one ever EVER EVER reads this. Bye Blogspot.