Coming Back

It's all coming back, the days of crying, the depression, the misery. I have everything I need, but I want more. The tears streaming down the contours of my face as I type. The words I need to let out. I seek the needs of friends on Christmas Eve morning, for my parents and family don't want to spend this holiday with me. They send me to my room to do homework. School is important they say, but all I wanted was to spend time with my family. I rarely ever want to spend time with them, but the times I do, they push me away. Me and my hopes, down down under. I sit here typing this out, my eyes going blurry, sniffling, listening to songs that make me cry harder. I never want pity. I just wanted to be loved, I don't need pity, I have my own self-pity. Ever word I type out, tears threaten to overflow. I simply do not want to cry, I feel weak, I feel empty. But I can't help it, I'm sad. Doesn't everyone become sad once in a while?

I told my mother, "It's Christmas soon, why are we not doing anything? It's boring, and you're making me do homework. I have another week to do it." She goes off about how people are living on the streets not even having a family. And I know she means well, but I can't help but cry as my selfishness and still still cry, for myself being lonely. She yells at me for being so bratty, but all I wanted was to have family time. Here I go again, another round of tears. My shirt is soaked, the laptop wet. I'm spilling salty tears everywhere, maybe someone will yell at me for spilling my worthless tears everywhere. Movie night was yesterday and the day before that, I tried to get everyone to watch a movie with me. It ended up with me sitting alone for some time watching alone, until Christina comes out and joins me. But still, my parents are in their room watching their own separate movies.

I wanted the comfort of my real friends, but then I think it through, everyone is with their families most likely. Another round of tears, still I hold myself with my arms around me, comfort for myself. Me, Sarah Nguyen, hugging herself because of her belief of lack of love. And here I am, no longer wanting my mother, my father, my sister, my grandma. I want people who actually love me, who want to be with me. I'd honestly spend my whole Christmas in my own room, alone. Sure some people would be just trying to get on everyone's good side, and pretend nothing happened. But I've done that too many times. I learned from someone, that you should get over it, and stop saying that life sucks. I try not to say that my life sucks, but I doesn't everyone think they're life sucks, at least once? A thought, a consideration, a memory. So I say screw it; honestly, that's your point of view. Mine is different, as of everyone. I'm sorry, if you read this, but still. I'm not feeling the same.
If you love me, then stay with me, talk to me, and everything. If you're faking to be my friend, leave me. I would be better off without pity friends.

It's time to do homework on Christmas Eve, solemnly. I guess I needed to rant about my "oh so terrible" life. Not really, it just pretty much sucks. Difference between terrible & " I hate life" and the difference between suckish-ness. I believe that the suckishness will go away. Just a temporary lapse, in a day, a month, a year, whenever.